1st semester of WSU

I believe that we all go into college or the next step of our live's after high school, with high expectations. We expect that we will thrive, create a new independent life and become who we are meant to be. We create goals and wait for them to be reached, however we want to skip a thousand tiny steps to get to the end result. (Kind of like final causation in Science 101.... I learned that this year, amongst many things...) We really like seeing to do lists, or at least i do, and enjoy crossing things off slowly hour by hour. It becomes the little things you accomplish that you feel most proud of. One hour of studying, CHECK! You can be amazed at how much one hour of solid studying everyday will do for you.

big diamond sister reveal

i remember this day being the hardest most emotional day EVER. it was like the week of recruitment all rolled into one day.. i cried, laughed and fell in love with my big!
so the night before i had been texting the sister i wanted, we were just talking about reveal and i was telling her I put her as my #1. i was a complete ball of nerves!!! i told her not to tell me how she preffed. a few minutes after i told her we both said goodnight but i didn't sleep a wink. i couldn't wait to meet my big diamond sis and form that bond. then morning came and i was freaking out, there were a mere 11 hrs until i would get to see my big diamond and hug her until i couldn't hug anymore. i went along with my day, crying randomly a few times terrified that she wasn't my big. i told her i couldn't text her until after the reveal, she response was "okay, see you after the reveal :)" that got me and i fell apart. i thought i knew for sure she wasn't my big diamond sister. i went through the rest of my day trying to stay positive. reminding myself that she still could be my big diamond sis.
then before i knew it, it was 6:20 and Karli and i headed over to the house. i was full of nerves and crazy excited! i couldn't wait even though we had to wait like 45 more minutes before we could go find them. once i got my clue i had no idea where to go or even who i was looking for. i believe i was the last alpha to find my big diamond sister, i had to ask for help and i passed her room like 5 times... it was a problem

once i got into the room and saw that it was Maddy, i hugged her and cried!!! I couldn't have been more excited that i got her, she is now my big diamond sister and i get to have that special connection with HER. i couldn't wait to make more memories laughing, crying, smiling and dancing with her!!

ADPi

Joining a sorority was the best decision I could make. It has helped me develop a sense of home here in Pullman. More importantly it has given me friends and sisters that  I will have until I die. Recruitment was the hardest week i've ever been through. However, running home to ADPi was the BEST thing that ever happened to me. I didn't know it then but I would grow close to amazing and inspiring women.
You can't understand how blessed women and men are that are in the greek system until you become a part of it. You can't understand what they are all about until you are a part of it, it is something indescribable. I've only been a part of it for a few weeks and I can already see all these beautiful things coming from it. That tells you that it really is something special.

little things

I am a mother's helper for a women in walnut creek, we have become just like friends. we chat while we work & i literally think of her as a mother/friend/role model figure. she is so incredibly amazing & kind. i cannot believe i get to work with such an amazing women and three beautiful red heads. i'm truly blessed.

graduation

senior ball

may, 9th was amazingly perfect!
i couldn't have asked for a better group of friends to celebrate the end of our high school years with. it was such a beautiful venue and we all had a blast dancing the night away! i'm so glad that my friend natalie asked a mutual friend, dylan, to ball because he was super nice to us all and i loved hanging out with him throughout the whole night.
i'm also blessed the my wonderful grammie helped alter my dress! it was small in parts & then to long & too big, honestly i was a mess with i first tried it on. But she came to the rescue & i'm so incredibly happy to have her in my life!!! thank you grammie!!

18th year

sorry for the lack of posts here! i've been celebrating, graduating, traveling & resting! last time i posted here, i was 17 & now i;ve been 18 for almost two months!!! i'm so excited to share with you all, FINALLY, what I did on my 18th birthday!

first things first, i went to my grandparents house to finish up my ball dress and have a little celebration with them. then my dad sent my grandma & i out to get some things for dinner. i came back to a house filled with all my family members! i was so surprised and felt incredibly blessed to have them all there to celebrate with me!

then on my real birthday i invited my closest friends to dinner & dessert at my house. i have to say that i couldn't have made it through senior year without these girls, and of course sophie, they've made my life complete and i'm blessed to call them all my best friends. we had a lovely dinner at the lazy dog and then went back to my house for ice cream and gifts. :)
all in all, i had a wonderful time, i didn't expect much from anyone so it was nice to get a surprise from my whole family! i'm truly blessed to have these people in my life & so glad they were all a part of my 18th year!

the masterpiece called YOU

this. this describes me right now.

it's as if someone started a project or beautiful master piece and then left it sitting there. they stopped to think if they actually wanted it to look one way or a different one. they wondered who might not like it and how that would affect the overall message of the art. if you think about it our life's, bodies, & minds are God's masterpieces and when we stop and question how it'll all look in the end, we become stuck on the little imperfections. why? why do we question His art? why do we only see the messy side and little tiny mistakes when all He sees is the beautiful final product & gorgeous imperfections. He sees the other side of it. we often times stop to think about the choices set in front of us, there is no problem with that, but when we stop for so long that we overthink the negative possibilities we miss His call to us. His answer to the questions we have. 

i'm calling a truce with myself. i hope that you can hold me accountable for this. i am done hating my body, heart, & myself. i can't spent the rest of my days here on earth hurting my own feels because i saw some model and it made me feel awful. i'm on my way to purchase a new notebook, in my favorite color because why not??, it'll be for the sole purpose of writing things i love about myself and my body. how grateful i am about having certain things that others might not. how blessed i am to have love and support. it'll be to lift myself up and not push me down. i can no longer stand by and let my negative thoughts over power the little ones that tell me i'm beautiful, smart, and lovely. i need to help myself by encouraging myself and other young people to enjoy life and enjoy their own flaws. 

you need to love yourself. focus on being kind to your heart and how you can impact your veiw of your imperfections. if society pushes you down & tells you need to be a size 00 to be beautiful and wear the clothes that are "in style", then you respond with a LOUD: HECK NO! I'm beautiful the way I am and i'm allowed to wear whatever I want. 

honestly, nobody fits in the tiny little cookie cutter that this world has made. not even the models we see in magazines. that is called photoshop & i've seen how they alter those men and women to look a certain way. it's honestly hurtful and rude to the models, us, and the next generations. how does anyone expect us to love His masterpieces if we keep altering them and "fixing" them to be a certain size and shape? take control of how those magazines and commercials affect you. talk back to that negative voice that tells you that you need to look like her/him in order to be successful. you DON'T. you can be yourself, look like you, and love yourself because you are unique & you're His masterpiece.

plans

i've been realizing lately how much God loves each and every one of us and how i want my every decision to be glorifying His name. I am beginning to make my choices on my own and making myself happy. I had to stop trying to make Ashly or Ashley or Melissa happy, I started making my choices based on how I want to live my life. It is bittersweet to think about August & all the BIG changes that come with it. not just August but this summer of 2015, my sister leaves in July for Germany and won't be back until June 2016, then in August on the 15th I move into my dorm at WSU. This summer & in March we have many trips planned to WA. I'm excited to be showing my mom where I will be spending the majority of the next four years! I can't wait to explore with her during our layover in Seattle.

I feel as if everything came together so quickly, like I was at WSU touring and then I blinked and got my acceptance letter; then blinked again and today applied for housing, also bought our flight tickets for march. every bone in my body is telling me and warning me for the possible pain that I will have when i start to miss home. All I can do is see a therapist at school, continue my meds, stay positive, & ask for help when I need it. Life is funny, it'll give you blessings in forms you never thought imaginable. I know that WSU is a blessing in disguise, one day I'll understand why I'm drawn to it.

valentines

 valentines day has come & gone. lately i've been reading on lots of blogs about valentines day and the meaning behind it. i've decided that this year, next year and the ones that follow will be all about love. not the relationship with a guy i don't have. i'll focus solely on the people i have around me that i love and how i can show them my gratitude & love for them. appreciate those around you that have been there through the tough times, since day 1 of your fight, forever in your heart. reach out to your old friends that you grew apart from, tell them how much you love them still & care for their heart a lot. tell them how you wouldn't have gotten through without them in your life for that time.
you truly DO NOT need a guy or girl to be in love. you can be in love with friends or family on fab. 14th. you can be in love with your pet or anything really. just spend the day loving yourself, friends, & anyone you just enjoy spending time with. it's your day to unconditionally love everyone & anyone you'd like.

embrace the love.

new & fresh

2014 has come & gone. it was an incredible and scary year. I was in a support group that really changed me for the better and I got an amazing, beautiful friendship out of it. i can't believe how lucky i am. i tried to learn from my mistakes and my mishaps. i grew into friendships and out of some. i traveled to Germany and saw family that i had never met before. I detoxed my life. I grew A LOT. I owe it all to one person, who lead me through everything. God. Here are some of the things i've started recently, i'm not calling them new years resolutions because i don't want to set that I have to wait for a new year to change things. (as ashley said)

1) take care of myself. i have learned that i can't do hard things and homework for therapy and just go about my day right after. I have to stop, acknowledge my pain or feelings about the activity and take care of myself. do something to make myself feel better. i could read, listen to music, take a bath, journal about my emotions.

2) speak my mind. a lot of the time when small or even some big things hurt me i don't say anything, afraid they will think i'm too sensitive or just always complaining. I realize that i have ruined friendships that way, i have held it in for too long and not told them until it's too late. i have to make my voice louder and speak my mind more. i need to tell people how i feel because i am human and deserve to be heard.

3) pray more. i have noticed my relationship with God becoming less and less relevant in my day-to-day life. I want to make an effort to have solo conversations and completely focus on our relationship and strengthening that.  i want to also pray for my family & friends more often and more deeply. not just in a pass by kind of way. i need to be deeply meaningful about it.

4) recover. i'm not limiting this to this year. it'll take time, effort, patience, love, strength, & support. i know i can't do it alone. i have to reach out for help. take care of myself and remember that i'm human and make mistakes and thats okay.

What are your resolutions????