valentines

 valentines day has come & gone. lately i've been reading on lots of blogs about valentines day and the meaning behind it. i've decided that this year, next year and the ones that follow will be all about love. not the relationship with a guy i don't have. i'll focus solely on the people i have around me that i love and how i can show them my gratitude & love for them. appreciate those around you that have been there through the tough times, since day 1 of your fight, forever in your heart. reach out to your old friends that you grew apart from, tell them how much you love them still & care for their heart a lot. tell them how you wouldn't have gotten through without them in your life for that time.
you truly DO NOT need a guy or girl to be in love. you can be in love with friends or family on fab. 14th. you can be in love with your pet or anything really. just spend the day loving yourself, friends, & anyone you just enjoy spending time with. it's your day to unconditionally love everyone & anyone you'd like.

embrace the love.

new & fresh

2014 has come & gone. it was an incredible and scary year. I was in a support group that really changed me for the better and I got an amazing, beautiful friendship out of it. i can't believe how lucky i am. i tried to learn from my mistakes and my mishaps. i grew into friendships and out of some. i traveled to Germany and saw family that i had never met before. I detoxed my life. I grew A LOT. I owe it all to one person, who lead me through everything. God. Here are some of the things i've started recently, i'm not calling them new years resolutions because i don't want to set that I have to wait for a new year to change things. (as ashley said)

1) take care of myself. i have learned that i can't do hard things and homework for therapy and just go about my day right after. I have to stop, acknowledge my pain or feelings about the activity and take care of myself. do something to make myself feel better. i could read, listen to music, take a bath, journal about my emotions.

2) speak my mind. a lot of the time when small or even some big things hurt me i don't say anything, afraid they will think i'm too sensitive or just always complaining. I realize that i have ruined friendships that way, i have held it in for too long and not told them until it's too late. i have to make my voice louder and speak my mind more. i need to tell people how i feel because i am human and deserve to be heard.

3) pray more. i have noticed my relationship with God becoming less and less relevant in my day-to-day life. I want to make an effort to have solo conversations and completely focus on our relationship and strengthening that.  i want to also pray for my family & friends more often and more deeply. not just in a pass by kind of way. i need to be deeply meaningful about it.

4) recover. i'm not limiting this to this year. it'll take time, effort, patience, love, strength, & support. i know i can't do it alone. i have to reach out for help. take care of myself and remember that i'm human and make mistakes and thats okay.

What are your resolutions????

this one's for you

I thought of you today while i handed out my goodies. I thought of you while I gladly help the old women get gas. and I thought of you when I purchased all my mother's gifts. I thought of you when I looked at our tree last night. i thought of you when i decorated my tree with your cranes. i thought of you when i walked through the pike's place flower part of the market. i thought of how much you'd love the pink & white flowers. i thought about how at my wedding we would make a special flower arrangement for your seat, front and center. i thought about how i would raise my children with the same giving and loving heart as you. i thought about how you would give your whole heart to others before you helped yourself. i thought about how we cuddled that one night & how you read a prayer to me every night when i was with you. i thought about you this morning and how you'd want me to go to school, try my best, & work hard at everything.

i thought about you, everyday. i still do.